Name: Helen W.

Also Answers To: "Madame Helene".

Occupation / Title: Super Teacher, Trilinguist, Cook, Perfect Mother, Chauffeuse, Tour Guide, Interpreter, Guitarist (lapsed), Historian, Connoisseur (chocolate, wine, whisky), Giggler.

Brief Summary: I had the immense good fortune to get to know Helen during my university years, even though I spent all of my time studying and working hard at my exams. The above hyper-gorgeous photo dates from her university years. I have been forbidden from using a more contemporary photo on pain of death (I think this ban is totally unwarranted, but there you go.) Helen is now based in La Rochelle, west France, a part of the world so idyllic and beautiful it's like strolling through a painting. Helen is great fun as well as being deeply, exceptionally intelligent to a degree that I find consistently intimidating. Luckily, she is also smart enough to love the great and good things in life such as good food, wine, the grandeur of nature, travel, another glass of wine, fine literature, erudite discussions on educational methods within contemporarey social trends, more wine, good quality chocolate, another glass of wine and so on. She's also a Perfect Mother to her two staggeringly beautiful children.

World Records Held:
The World's Only English-French-Welsh Tri-Linguist (I bet)
Weirdest Music Collection (by a mile)
Worst Giggler In Public Places
Best Tour Guide To Anywhere, Ever
Most Tolerant Person Of My Crack-cocaine-like Photography Habit
Best Collection Of Fridge Magnets

Other Notable Achievements & Honours: As noted above, Helen can speak fluent English, French and Welsh. I really don't know what more you could want in terms of 'notable achievements'. Just to put a cherry on top, she wasn't even born in any of those three countries. Weird, huh? I guess another of her achievements, and one which I certainly appreciate, is the fact that she keeps enough wine around the house to survive a siege (her words, not mine). She's also a truly fantastic hostess, cook and tour guide. You can point her at just about anything in France and out it all comes - the history, background, dates, facts, figures, relevant  humorous anecdotes, socialogical insights and so on. I can't even do this about stuff I'm supposed to know about. Helen also has a connoisseur's collection of fridge magnets, which is something I hold in high esteem.

Best Party Trick: I don't want to mention this too much because I know she doesn't want me to, but Helen holds all world records when it comes to giggling in public places. She can giggle to greater extremes, for longer, than any other human being on Earth. It's actually quite frightening if you don't know what's going on, as she turns a strange colour (sort of distressed beetroot) and only manages one breath per five minutes. What makes it even better is that there is often no discernible trigger event to actually cause the giggle meltdown. Anyway, I had to mention this because her two lovely children (D and J) wouldn't forgive me if I didn't, but let's not dwell on it.

Special Powers: (1) Can rustle up a meal fit for a king from next to nothing, in next to no time, with an effortless rapidity that I think most women would envy. (2) Is telepathically brilliant when it comes to figuring out good places to take guests to, or to explore or have a look at.

Known Weaknesses: If it's a weakness to giggle onself to the point of auto-asphyxiation in a public place, for no discernible reason, then I guess we have to file that here. Otherwise, none whatsoever.

Catchphrase: "More wine?"