Name: Maria B.

Also Answers To: "R J Dip."

Occupation / Title: Spy, Jeweller, Legal Consultant, Mother, Masseuse, Fuzzy Felt Expert, Cook, Musician, Singer, Photographer, Organiser, Musical Actress, 2nd In Class.

Brief Summary: Quite simply, one of the nicest people in the world.

World Records Held:
Person Who Has Known Me Longer Than Anyone Else (Except Family)
Best Hair Transformation
Best Masseuse (UK)

Maria also holds the current world record for make it happen-ness. This is worthy of more detailed explanation, which is why of everyone featured in the 'Important People' pages, only Maria has a second page.

Other Notable Achievements & Honours: Maria has known me since we were both about 10 years old, which some would say is an achievement in itself or at least deserves a medal for endurance. We enjoyed countless school dinners together, and it was Maria who thus engendered my taste for fine dining with intelligent and attractive female company. These days we've moved on a bit from school dinners, and prefer selected restaurants in Mayfair and the West End. I've yet to meet anyone who has met Maria and not liked her. Holds numerous qualifications, including R J Dip (Retail Jewellery Diploma). Known to have given the definitive performance as Pitti-Sing in The Mikado (at the age of 11).

Best Party Trick: Human tape-recorder. Maria can recall fine details from past conversations with uncanny accuracy, as if she'd taped the conversation, typed it out and learned it. She can do this to a degree that's actually scary.

Special Powers: (1) Can massage away just about any ache or pain in minutes. Her healing powers are so freaky I reckon she could probably revive the dead if she tried hard enough. (2) Can talk for England. (3) Can make computers behave themselves by telepathic will-power. (4) Does very good 'Little Britain' impressions (this is a reference to a popular BBC comedy show).

Known Weaknesses: (1) To this day, is unable to cope, emotionally or psychologically, with the fact that I always came first in class and she came second. She has been in denial about this for so long that she's beyond therapy. (2) No tolerance for alcohol. One whiff of a corkscrew and she's reached her limit.

Catchphrase: "No, your exact words were..." (recalling some trivial conversation from five years ago).