Real Name: Maria T.

Also Answers To: "Italian Maria".

Occupation / Title: Marketing Guru. Reiki Practitioner. Survivor. Mother. Witch (benign). Morticia Impersonator. Psychic Consultant to I. Rowland. Translator / Interpreter. Movie Expert.

Brief Summary: Very long-standing friend and my official psychic consultant and advisor. Works very hard to try and only see good things in store for me when she reads my cards.

World Records Held:
World's Greatest Naturally-Auburn Hair
Joint Best Dancer (title shared with Joan DuKore)
Best Italian Teacher
Most Sickeningly Non-Ageing Figure (from point of view of most other women)
Least Accurate Psychic Forecaster (on evidence to date)
World's Fastest Talker (especially when angered)

Other Notable Achievements & Honours: Maria is not only a great friend, but also one of life's great survivors. She is an extremely adept witch who only uses her powers for good. Her figure is the same now as it was when she was 18, and she disappears if she turns sideways (apparenty this is very annoying to many women of her age). Formidable knowledge of all movies released in modern times. Speaks fluent Italian.

Best Party Trick: On certain appropriate occasions, shape-shifting into a different person known as the Hot Italian Babe. This is a startling transformation, often featuring skirts that wouldn't cover a postage stamp.

Special Powers: (1) Can read books in the blink of an eye. (2) Can tell dirty jokes in either English or Italian (they sound better in Italian). (3) Can give a 20 minute detailed tarot reading containing a dozen specific predictions, none of which come true. (4) Expert maker of picnic foods. (5) Surviving no matter what.

Known Weaknesses: Cannot pronounce the words 'abroad' and 'claws'. The latter word she generally avoids altogether, preferring to say "those sharp bits on the end of a cat". Inabiity to operate her own oven.

Catchphrase: "I know it's going to happen, I've seen it in your cards".