I posted this to some newsgroup or other years ago. It was meant to satirise the attitude of some ratehr credulous types towards 'psychics'. Since then it seems to have become modestly popular - mainly with sceptics who, as we all know, are closed-minded, cynical, sad, types unreceptive to the New Age and psychic potential.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The New Age Driving Test

Rules:

1. First of all, can we make it clear you don't have to prove anything to us. We choose to believe you can drive. If the closed-minded types want to object, the onus is on them to prove you can't, okay?
2. If you DO agree to take a driving test, all credit to you. By all means make up your own driving test exactly as you want it to be. If there are any bits that you think might be a bit hard, just leave them out.
3. You may feel that having a qualified driving instructor around inhibits your ability to drive. We quite understand. If you like, we'll cravenly make sure your test is conducted by someone with no qualifications for the job at all. How about a deaf, blind whelk-stall owner who has never seen a car before?
4. If you sort of manage to make the car move at all, in any direction, even if it's not the direction you said it would go in, then that's good enough for us. You've passed with flying colours. And you only have to do it once, of course.
5. Instead of sitting the driving test, you may want to submit some eyewitness reports, which we won't check, saying that you did drive something, at some point, somewhere, some time ago. This is good enough proof for us. If there's a grainy, blurred, indistinct black and white photo of you sitting in a car, all the better. You get the licence.
6. If you adamantly refuse any sort of test, for the next 40 years, don't worry. We realise it's basically a tiresome abuse of your profound driving talents, and we'll give you the licence anyway.
7. If you keep causing multiple pile-ups and writing off one car after another, and mowing down innocent pedestrians, and getting fined for contravening every basic driving rule there is, don't worry. We'll attribute this to unfavourable reporting from hostile and closed-minded sources, and let you keep the driving licence.
8. We'd like to arrange a prime-time TV show in which you only have to pretend to drive, using a little fakery, and we'll treat you like you're the reigning Formula 1 world champion driver. Is this okay with you? We think it would prove popular with our viewers, and it would give some of them hope that perhaps they too can learn to drive.