I wanted to order some CD-RWs (re-writeable CDs for computer storage). I had a catalogue from Simply Computers.

I leafed through the SC catalogue, and found what I wanted. Phoned their order line, usual labyrinth of automated voices, got through to a sales person. The brand I wanted was out of stock so I chose some Memorex CD-RWs instead. 2 days later my box of 10 CDs arrived in a box about 5 times as large. The disks supposed to be '4 times 10x speed compatible.' They were actually only 2x speed. Even accepting this speed, the first disk I tried didn't work. In case this was a fluke, I tried a second disk from the box of 10. Same poor speed, and it also didn't work.

So I tried to send them back. I phoned SC. I got this:

'Welcome to SC. You will now be presented with 6 options. Please listen carefully and select the option you require. For product inquiries or sales press 1. If you know the extension number you require, press 2. If you wish to speak to a technical support agent about an item you have already purchased from us, or think your item is faulty, press 3.'

I pressed 3.

'Welcome to technical support. To help us deal with your inquiry more efficiently, please choose one of the following 3 options. For technical advice press 1. For information on returning items press 2. For technical support, please hold.'

I pressed 2.

'Thank you for calling Simply customer services. If you require company information please press 1 on your phone now. If you would like a copy of an invoice, credit note or catalogue, please press 2, or continue to hold for the next available agent.'

I continued to hold. Music started to play: 'Walk of Life' by Dire Straits. The music was interrupted from time to time by various messages, like this...

'At present all of our agents are busy. We anticipate it will take us about 2 minutes to answer your call but it may take longer.'

Walk of Life. Tra-la-la.

'Thank you for calling customer services. Please hold for the next available agent. To assist us with your inquiry, please have your invoice number, RMA number or sales order number to hand.'

Walk of life. Tra-la-la.

'Due to the recent awards we have won for Systemax PCs you may experience a slight delay in your call being answered. Please accept our apologies. An agent will be with you shortly.'

Walk of life. Tra-la-la. Eventually someone picked up. I explained the problem. He said words to the effect of, 'I can’t usually authorise a return on media.' This was not quite the 'information on returning items' I was looking for. After some discussion, the man said, 'I can’t give you a return number for that, but I’ll put you through to technical support'. I said, 'I don’t want to go through that whole telephone tree again.' He said, 'You won’t have to. I’ll put you straight through. There are about 5 calls already waiting, is that okay?'. I said 'It seems like I have no choice.'

The line went dead for a moment, and then I heard this:

'Welcome to technical support. To help us deal with your inquiry more efficiently, please choose one of the following 3 options. For technical advice press 1. For information on…'

I knew the drill by now, so I pressed 2. I allowed the next message to play all the way through, just in case I had missed something the first time.

'Thank you for calling Simply customer services. If you require company information please press 1 on your phone now. If you would like a copy of an invoice, credit note or catalogue, please press 2, or continue to hold for the next available agent.'

No, I hadn’t missed anything. I continued to hold.

'At present all of our agents are busy. We anticipate it will take us about 2 minutes to answer your call but it may take longer.'

Walk of Life. Tra-la-la.

'Thank you for calling customer services. Please hold for the next available agent. To assist us with your inquiry, please have your invoice number, RMA number or sales order number to hand.'

Walk of Life, tra-la-la.

'Due to the recent awards we have won for Systemax PCs you may experience a slight delay in your call being answered. Please accept our apologies. An agent will be with you shortly.'

Walk of Life. Tra-la-la.

Eventually, someone picked up. I explained about the CD-RWs, and I also explained that I had been through the whole thing once already. He said  words to the effect of, 'Okay. So you’ve got a faulty item?' 'Yes.' 'Okay, I’ll put you straight through to technical support.'

Then the line went dead. I was expecting more music or automated voices, but actually I got nothing. Eventually, I got a telephone company voice telling me 'The other person has cleared'.

I tried a third time. 'Welcome to SC You will…' . I didn’t wait for the rest of the message. I pressed 6.

'Welcome to tech…'. I pressed 2.

Unfortunately, there was no way to speed up the next stage, so I had to sit through it all again.

'Thank you for calling Simply customer services. If you require company information please press 1 on your phone now. If you would like a copy of an invoice, credit note or catalogue, please press 2, or continue to hold for the next available agent.'

I continued to hold. Walk of Life. Tra-la-lah.

'At present all of our agents are busy. We anticipate it will take us about 2 minutes to answer your call but it may take longer.'

Walk of Life. Tra-la-la.

'Thank you for calling customer services. Please hold for the next available agent. To assist us with your inquiry, please have your invoice number, RMA number or sales order number to hand.'

Walk of life. Tra-la-la.

'Due to the recent awards we have won for Systemax PCs you may experience a slight delay in your call being answered. Please accept our apologies. An agent will be with you shortly.'

Walk of life. Tra-la-la.

A third person picked up the phone. I explained the problem, and about my two previous attempts, and I begged him - using words like 'please' a lot - not to put me back on to the automated phone system. He said he would need to speak to a supervisor. He put me on hold.

Walk of Life. Tra-la-la.

There was a long delay. He came back on the line and said, 'Hello?' I said 'Yes? Hello?' And then there was a very long delay while I heard him tapping around on his keyboard. After about 40 seconds of this, I said, 'Excuse me, I can hear you but you aren’t saying anything.' He snarls back at me as if I’ve just dented his white van. 'I’m raising the returns number!'

This seemed to require more keyboard work than a fast morning at a secretarial college, but eventually I got my returns number. Total time taken: 40 minutes. I parcelled up the CD-RWs, labelled the package properly, and also submitted my postage receipt as I had been instructed to do. This meant I had to take the package down to the Post Office not fully sealed, have them weigh it, then get the postage receipt, then put the receipt in the package, and then seal it and hand it in to the Post Office.

Epilogue: 4 days later, I got written confirmation of the refund. But they hadn’t included the postage, which was over £4. I decided I couldn’t be bothered trying to get through their system all over again. I felt it would be simpler to just never bother using them again, and to post this information on my website.

Then I tried getting the CD-RWs from Neat Ideas (the best mail order stationery supply business in the UK, www.neat-ideas.com). It went like this:

1. Looked up what I wanted in their very clear catalogue
2. Made phone call, got straight through to a helpful, pleasant and well-trained person
3. Disks arrived next day
4. They work