So, there I was at the Great Australian Science Fair, and someone suggested I could give a little half-hour lecture show. I hadn't really come prepared, but I was happy to do it. It would be fun, I thought, and it's not as if I had anything better to do! So I did my best to cobble together half an hour of chat, tricks and demonstrations. Then an Official Person produced a contract that he said I would have to sign before I could do my bit.

The contract, apparently issued by the 'Museums Board of Victoria', turned out to be one of those impressively absurd examples of bureaucracy gone mad. It consisted of sixteen pages of neatly typed drivel, comb-bound inside protective plastic covers. Here are some of the headings: Definitions, Interpretation, Fees and Expenses, Broadcast and Telecast, Sound Levels, Governing Law, Code of Conduct on Museum Premises, Occupational Health & Safety Conditions, Damage to Museum Installations, Recitals... blah blah blah. Remember, this is just about me standing up doing a few magic tricks.

But it gets better! This high and mighty legal contract, without which of course it would be impossible for anyone to do - gasp! - do a card trick, is one which I will keep forever among my most treasured possessions. You see, it's the only contract I've ever had which states for the record, in black and white, that my performance is worth nothing. Yes, precisely zero.

So next time you see hear someone say that my performances are worthless, you will know that not only are they right, but this is a matter of documented fact.